Setting Healthy Boundaries

A big part of the adolescent recovery process is setting healthy boundaries. It’s hard for a teen who is trying to be accepted by their peers to say no to temptations. Before getting clean and sober, young addicts have very few, if any, healthy boundaries. Their lives are chaotic, and they are most likely engaging in risky behaviors, abusive, co-dependent relationships, manipulating, lying, stealing, and are devoid of any real self-respect. It takes a certain amount of courage as a teenager to tell someone that they are crossing your boundary. You have to know yourself well enough to have clear boundaries and you have to know that you have a right to protect and defend yourself. What are boundaries? Boundaries are limitations we set for our selves. In recovery, we learn to break down the walls and establish boundaries that protect us from others and from ourselves.

The first kind of boundary to consider is physical. This means, how close can you get to me before I feel uncomfortable? For different people, this boundary varies depending on how well you know some and what kind of personal space feels right. For both men and women this is important when dating. As adolescents, it’s very important to maintain healthy sexual boundaries. “No means NO!”

Other boundaries include emotional and spiritual boundaries. What makes you uncomfortable to discuss with others that could trigger unpleasant memories or relapse, for example. You may not want to talk politics or religion with your family at the table on Thanksgiving when you recall the heated arguments from years past. You shouldn’t tell “war stories” that glorify meth. binges to someone trying to kick a nasty speed habit.

Many teens break boundaries when they form new relationships. They think that they are in love, but they really have little or no boundaries. They lose themselves in their boyfriend or girlfriend. These kinds of relationships are often co-dependent and tend to become abusive because there is a constant fear of separation.

The sooner teens start learning about boundaries the better. As they grow and mature, they will be happier people because they will have healthier relationships. The key to having good boundaries is to be consistent and clear when setting them. Using “I feel” statements may sound corny, but they really work. Don’t be afraid to ask someone before you act if you are breaking their boundary. You take the guesswork out of it and if are offended that you asked, they probably don’t have good boundaries.

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My "Summer Vacation" In Malibu Adolescent Drug Treatment

I was recently talking to a new girl that I’d met in AA and asked her what she was doing for her summer. “I’m in rehab!” she responded, laughing. I could relate. We joked about her getting to say she spent the summer in Malibu, hanging out with new friends from all over the country, and eating good food, but really, summer is a great time to go to rehab. Some kids go to summer camp, and some of us go to adolescent drug treatment in Malibu.
Long stretches of days full of nothingness and minimal supervision are a good recipe for problems for a drug using teen. For me, summers were a big chunk of time that I got loaded and got into a lot of trouble. Rehab in the summer didn’t interrupt my life in any way, other than my using, and it kept me doing something functional during those long summer months. I was in a safe place where I couldn’t hurt myself and I learned to take personal responsibility for my actions. I began to want to change. By going away to teen drug treatment in the summer, I could return to my life with a new attitude and new tools to help me deal with my life. The extended adolescent outpatient program in Brentwood let me ease back into my world as I continued to be surrounded by other teens who were staying clean and learning to live life without drugs.
At first I was angry that I would be missing out on whatever my using friends were doing, but now I have a different opinion. No, I didn’t get to go on an exotic vacation like some of my friends, but I got to go on a trip that has turned into a lifelong journey. When people asked me how I spent my summer that year, I could tell them I spent it changing my life.

Should I Search My Teen’s Room?

At Visions Adolescent Treatment Center in Malibu we talk about trust between parents and teens being extremely important , and the question of whether or not to snoop in your teen’s room is a delicate one. In my experience as a teen addict, I feel that after a certain point, my parents had every right to snoop in my room- I had broken their trust and was engaging in behaviors that were dangerous to me and others. I feel that as soon as I demonstrated suspicious behaviors, like my dramatic mood change, not coming home at night, and a severe drop in my academic performance, their decision to snoop in my room may have saved my life. At the time, I was furious, and why wouldn’t I be? I threw tantrums about my right to privacy and became increasingly sneaky. I was trying to protect my private using world. The idea that it would be taken away terrified me. I did not believe that I could live or be happy without drugs. The problem was that I wasn’t happy with drugs either. My parents found paraphernalia in my room one day while I was out with my friends and later confronted me about it. At the time I was furious and told them I could never trust them again. Big deal. They had no reason to trust me anymore.
I know it must have been hard for my parents to act in a way that made me react so violently, and to take the abuse I was aiming at them. I know now that they made the decision to search my room because they were very afraid for me. Even after they sent me to treatment, I felt very angry at my parents. I felt like I’d been tricked into treatment and I let them know how angry I was at every possible opportunity. I was not nice about it. I tried every manipulative trick I had left to get them to let me leave treatment and come home. The truth is that I was terrified of the new life that lay ahead of me- a life without using, a life full of feelings and reality. My parents, thank goodness, let me throw my tantrums and left me in treatment. I know now that it was incredibly hard for them too.
Over time, I began to calm down and be honest with myself. My life using drugs was miserable, and I was afraid of being even more miserable without drugs. As time passed in treatment, I started to recognize the feelings and fears that led me to use, and learned new ways of dealing with my feelings. My parents got support too. Together, we began to mend our relationship. Once I was finally able to be honest with myself about my behavior and my using and drinking, I could see that my parents were helping me, not hurting me. I wasn’t a victim- I had gotten myself there and I was lucky to have parents that cared enough about me that they would endure my anger and find help for me. I wish that I hadn’t put my parents through all of that, but what I can do today is stay clean and never make them have to go through that mess again. It is my living amends to them. I feel like unwarranted snooping in a teen’s room can break down trust, but in my case, where I had already been showing warning signs of drug and alcohol abuse, my parents’ choice to search my room may have eventually saved my life.

For more information about Visions please click here teen drug treatment